This is 35....

Just celebrated my 35th birthday last week on the beach with my li'l family.
I also just celebrated my 3rd anniversary.
This is my first year as a full time stay at home mom.
We have lived in Georgia for almost exactly one year.
It's been an emotional year.
We moved from a home and city we loved.
We left behind family and friends we love and miss dearly.
Thank God for Facetime!

My 25 year old self definitely thought 35 was super old.
I definitely don't feel super old.
I work out almost everyday.
I feel healthy almost everyday.
I feel happy everyday.
Not all day everyday but, yes, everyday.
Still being an awesome mom.
Still rockin' the wife thing.
I would love to have another baby.

If I had one of those 1st birthday/1st day of school boards about me it would say......

Valerie's 35th birthday
My favorite food is cheese.
My favorite color is still green.
I love wine and bubbles.
When I grow up I wanna be a rockstar again. 
I currently sing to calm down a crazy two year old.
My Friday nights now involve watching youtube music videos, not live shows.
I always wonder if Beyonce is having a better birthday than me and I assume probably "not".
Trying to meet new friends at 35 is kind of like meeting friends the first day of school.

Things I would change.
When the dentist told me to floss more I should've listened.
I wish I would've embraced my 25 year old body more. 
Man, rockin' out during my shows definitely burned the calories.

McFall 3rd Anniversary
Still laughing 'til we cry.
My dancing partner for life.
Although Elodie is a close second.
He still gives me flowers.
He still won't admit I'm his best friend.
He still wants to hold my hand.
His love and ambition for life still excites me.
We are still figuring it out.
Can't wait to see what the future holds.

Being a stay at home definitely isn't for everyone.
I wasn't even sure if it was for me.
When Graham is traveling for work, it is a 24 hour job.
The hardest part for me is not being able to supply an income for our family.
Being Elodie's mom is the most rewarding and difficult job I've ever had.

Typical glamorous mom day, includes:
Teaching Elodie how to be an amazing human being.
Lots of hugs and kisses.
Brush my teeth, brush Elodie's teeth.
Get dressed, get Elodie dressed.
Do my hair, do Elodie's hair.
Potty train.
Wake up babies (Elodie's)
Grab a few purses and head downstairs.
Make breakfast. 
Includes some sort of ice cream if she slept through the night. 
That hasn't happened in a long time.
Feed the dog.
Watch Sesame Street.
Drink coffee.
Have the two year old tell you to kiss all her owies! "Kiss it, kiss it"!
Dishes. 
More coffee.
Potty train.
Try to get out the door without ten purses.
Gym=me time. 
Try to get my 10,000 steps before noon. 
Make lunch.
Dishes.
Clean. 
Nap. Today was 45 minutes. Ugh!
The 45 minute nap look!

Potty train.
Keep the two year old occupied with fun activities before dinner.
Fun time? Walk? Pool? Kick the ball? Music time? Dance party?
Potty train.
Make dinner.
Dishes.
Bathtime.
Crazy time with Daddy to get the energy out before bedtime.
Doesn't usually work.
Books.
Bedtime.
If we are lucky she will fall asleep before 9 so we can have some time to ourselves.
Not tonight. Got her to bed at 9:30. 
There are usually lots of tears, bumps, hugs, kisses, and laughs.

Todays success was when Elodie told me she had to poo-poo while I was mid shampoo in the shower. 
As I screamed "hold it" I assumed this would include an accident on the floor. 
I jumped out of the shower dripping wet and full of soap to find her in her bathroom sitting on the potty.
Today she pushed her stool up to the potty and got up on the potty all by herself. 
I threw my hands in the air and did my best version of the nae nae.
This is a small victory in my mommy-land.

We also usually run errands and have music class, storytime, playdates a few times a week also to mix it up.
Obviously lots of ABC's, learning about life, and love in between.
Pretty exciting huh?
Yup, it's pretty much the best.

It's so hard to be away from home. 
It's even harder to accept the place you've been living in for a year now is now your home.
This is definitely an adventure.
Welcome 35!

The toddler bedtime struggle is REAL!

It's been almost four months of us trying to figure out this "big girl bed" thing out, after Elodie (at 22 months) flung her body out of her crib like an acrobat.

We used to have a great bedtime routine.
Bath time at 6:30-7.
Read from 7-7:30ish.
Rock her for a bit and put her down in her crib.
She would sleep until 7:30-8.
Awwww the good old days.
Man I miss that crib.
Transitions are the worst.

It's been a power struggle since then.
It's really hard to figure out how to get them to sleep normal again if they don't want to stay in bed.
Everyone says to keep a routine.
But how can you keep a routine and try new ways to get them down?
How many nights are you supposed to give each way a shot?
Then on to the next "great" idea.
There is no guide book.
It slowly got better after a couple of weeks.
Then it progressively got worse.
She was waking up every couple of hours screaming like a newborn for a while.
Graham and I were spending most of our nights in her bed.
Letting them cry it out at this age is pretty much the worst.
Especially when they are screaming "Mommy pleeeeeeease" on the other side of the door.
That definitely didn't work for us after a weekend of trying and her waking up sounding like Lindsay Lohan from all of the crying.
We tried to just lay her down and walk out.
I counted 50 times one night and she was still super upset and not tired.
So here we are, still trying to figure it out.
Graham and I switch off nights putting her to bed to keep sane.

Naptime in our bed!

Thoughts while putting my two year old to bed in her "big girl bed'.

Tonight!
We read plenty of books.
She is getting so smart.
She knows so many colors, can count to ten, and name countless animals.
We watched the stars on the ceiling.
She told me all of the colors of the stars and tried to count them all.
Said our prayers.
Kissed goodnight.
Talked about how she needs to sleep through the night like a big girl.
Routine!

This is a reward for sleeping through the night! Yup ice cream for breakfast!

I rub her back.
Then she rolls over and I rub her tummy.
She wants to lay on my chest.
She wants to lay on my tummy.
"Water, water".
Ok, here is some water.
How do you stop them from wanting water once they are fully potty trained?
Ugh must focus on potty training tomorrow.
"Tummy, tummy".
Ok, I will rub your tummy again.
I will slow down the rubbing and she will fall asleep.
Oops I almost fell asleep.
I wish someone would rub my tummy.

It's still light out so I'm gonna pretend to be sleeping.
I shouldn't completely lie down or I will fall asleep.
Ugh so uncomfortable so I lie down.

The flailing of the legs commences.
She is dancing and kicking me.
Patience.
She is only two and has a lot of energy.
She is learning so much so she has a lot on her mind.
Everyone says to cherish this time.
That it goes by so fast.
But if she doesn't sleep does that make me a good mom?
Sleep is good for growing toddlers right?
Ugh, "Elodie stop kicking mommy".
"Close your eyes".
She rolls over.

I think she is finally sleeping.
As I try to sneak out she quickly rolls over and looks at me "Mommy".
I hop back in bed.
Just kidding I wasn't going anywhere.
"Close your eyes Elodie".
"Mommy is going to go in her room if you don't go to sleep".
She rolls over again.
I know I shouldn't threaten that since it's true.

Ok listen to her breathing.
The kicking starts again.
Why is it still sunny out?
Maybe we should just stay up and party all night.
Should I cuddle her?
Should I hold her close?
I try.
She pinches me.
She plays with my hands.
She thinks it's funny.
Ugh, it's like she is wide awake again.
We should've just stayed up and played in her room for the last hour instead of this game.
Maybe I should let her play in her room until she falls asleep?
Do kids actually do that?
She has never fallen asleep anywhere except her bed, car seat, stroller, or an airplane.

Now it's getting darker I can't see if her eyes are open.
Must focus.
Ugh, she is still staring at me.
Waiting on my next move.
She knows.
That sweet face.
At least she is sleeping through the night most nights lately.
Stay calm, lots of parents go through this, right?
Must. Stay. Awake.

Next thing I know it's 10pm and I definitely fell asleep.
She is asleep as I sneak out on my tiptoes trying not to make a sound.
Ugh, I love that child. ️

How can I get frustrated with this face?

Parents who have a tough time, you are not alone.

Joining a secret club.....

Loss

Last week we would've found out if our baby was a boy or a girl.
When I went in for my routine 16-week prenatal appointment with my daughter Elodie, I was so excited to tell them I finally didn't feel nauseous anymore.
When the nurse practitioner told me she couldn't find the heartbeat I didn't panic.
When I laid down for an ultrasound I honestly didn't think there was anything wrong.
When she told me that she didn't have good news and that there was no heartbeat I lost my breath.
Time, completely stopped.

We had four days before they could get me in for surgery.

Graham's mom, Jan flew down from Minnesota.
We wanted to plant flowers.
We needed to bring life from loss.
It felt good to give back to the earth.
We planted a beautiful hibiscus tree in memory of our baby.
We had to keep busy.
After Jan left, my mom came. After my mom left, my best friend Brandis came.
So many hugs.
So much love.

The night we found out we lost the baby, I couldn't sleep.  I looked at the weather app on my phone, and there was a shooting star.
I told Graham I wanted to go outside and look at the stars and he urged me to try and sleep.
I didn't resist.
The next day I found out that Aster means "a star".
It felt like a sign.
We decided to name the baby Aster Spring McFall.
When my mom came to visit, she pointed out that there were Aster flowers in the bouquet that she had sent, and also in the bouquet sent from our friend Erin.  I didn't even realize what they looked like.
Another sign.
The next day my mother in-law Jan told me that Aster is the birth flower for September.
Our baby was due September 21st.
Another sign.

On Monday April 13th we said goodbye to our angel Aster Spring McFall.
The doctor was very kindhearted.
He told us he is a "good old catholic" boy, and that he believed our baby was in heaven.
This not only reinforced what we already believed, but also reminded us that one day, we'll be re-united.
I squeezed Graham's hand, and tried to fight back tears.
We said goodbye.
I laid down on the operating table and couldn't hold my breath anymore.
The tears came.
This was it.
I felt the nurses and doctors' hands resting on me and brushing the tears away as I drifted off into a deep sleep.
When I woke up I could still feel the dried tears.
A kind nurse led me down a hallway out a door to Grahams warmed car.
We held hands in the rain.

It rained for 7 straight days.

How could I not know that this was happening?

Little did I know I was joining this secret club full of women, I know.
Everyone's story is heartbreaking.

This happens all the time?

Why does nobody talk about it?

Losing a child is never bearable.

Losing a child before they are born is something many choose not to talk about.

I talked to my husband.

We are both hurting.

Knowledge about miscarriage statistics doesn't bring your baby back.

Blaming everything I had done in the last 16 weeks isn't logical, but I would say somewhat "normal".

Realizing that it isn't logical, has helped.

After talking to my family I found out I wasn't the only one who lost something.

Many people already loved this baby.

My husband, family and friends.

This made me feel less alone, dealing with this loss.

This was our second child.

It was a heartbreaking loss.
My heart hurts. But, I am healing.
We prayed, we are praying.
We grieved, we are grieving.

Our tiny baby without a voice.
This experience instills the fact that it really is a miracle to have a perfectly healthy baby.
We will try again.

Finding things to do with Elodie in Woodstock!

We haven't exactly made a ton of friends since we moved down to Georgia.  It has been harder than expected to meet people.  I talked to one mom who told me it took her a year to make friends when they moved down here.  She didn't offer to be my friend. ;)  Elodie has made a ton of friends at daycare at the Gold's gym we go to across the road.  I have attempted to join several mommy groups but unfortunately they are "not accepting new members".  I met one woman on a Facebook group that moved from MN with her family in November.  We met up with one of her boys at a bouncy place called Gorilla Jumper in Woodstock.  Elodie loved it.  They had a small bouncy house for the younger toddlers and more intense climbing areas for the older children.  It kept her busy for about an hour.  It seemed like a family owned business.  We have attempted to go a couple of other times and they were closed.

Elodie started music classes this week at the Dance and Music Academy of Woodstock.  She was a bit shy at first but warmed up as soon as the music started.  It was a gift from my inlaws for her Christmas present.  This will be a fun addition to our schedule each week. I will have to take a video and some photos next week to share. It is similar to the Kindermusik classes we took in MN.

We have also had a couple of play dates with another little girl Elodie's age Maddie.  I met her mom through a friend of mine in MN before we moved down here.  I'm hoping we can get together more once the weather gets nicer here.  People hibernate here more than I thought that they would.  We have a pool in our community so hopefully we will get a chance to meet more people there this summer.  Wish us luck on our hunt to meet new people!

Letter to Elodie....

Little Miss Elodie,

We are going to have to get you a helmet for your protection soon if you keep falling so much. Today you bumped your mouth on your rocking horse and there was SO MUCH blood and tears.  I was on my way out the door and almost missed my doctors appointment because I was so worried about you. Then later at the gym you fell on the slide and got a goose egg on your head.  It makes me so sad to see you hurt yourself.  I know you are a toddler and there are probably more bumps, bruises, and blood to come but even so we may get you a helmet.  ;) At least I know a bracelet, necklace, bow on your head or a baby doll can make you smile again.  We just love to see you smile and not cry.  So when you are spinning round and round and round in the kitchen I will be there for you when you fall!  I promise I'm always here for you when you fall!

Love,

Mama

Happy

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