Joining a secret club.....

Loss

Last week we would've found out if our baby was a boy or a girl.
When I went in for my routine 16-week prenatal appointment with my daughter Elodie, I was so excited to tell them I finally didn't feel nauseous anymore.
When the nurse practitioner told me she couldn't find the heartbeat I didn't panic.
When I laid down for an ultrasound I honestly didn't think there was anything wrong.
When she told me that she didn't have good news and that there was no heartbeat I lost my breath.
Time, completely stopped.

We had four days before they could get me in for surgery.

Graham's mom, Jan flew down from Minnesota.
We wanted to plant flowers.
We needed to bring life from loss.
It felt good to give back to the earth.
We planted a beautiful hibiscus tree in memory of our baby.
We had to keep busy.
After Jan left, my mom came. After my mom left, my best friend Brandis came.
So many hugs.
So much love.

The night we found out we lost the baby, I couldn't sleep.  I looked at the weather app on my phone, and there was a shooting star.
I told Graham I wanted to go outside and look at the stars and he urged me to try and sleep.
I didn't resist.
The next day I found out that Aster means "a star".
It felt like a sign.
We decided to name the baby Aster Spring McFall.
When my mom came to visit, she pointed out that there were Aster flowers in the bouquet that she had sent, and also in the bouquet sent from our friend Erin.  I didn't even realize what they looked like.
Another sign.
The next day my mother in-law Jan told me that Aster is the birth flower for September.
Our baby was due September 21st.
Another sign.

On Monday April 13th we said goodbye to our angel Aster Spring McFall.
The doctor was very kindhearted.
He told us he is a "good old catholic" boy, and that he believed our baby was in heaven.
This not only reinforced what we already believed, but also reminded us that one day, we'll be re-united.
I squeezed Graham's hand, and tried to fight back tears.
We said goodbye.
I laid down on the operating table and couldn't hold my breath anymore.
The tears came.
This was it.
I felt the nurses and doctors' hands resting on me and brushing the tears away as I drifted off into a deep sleep.
When I woke up I could still feel the dried tears.
A kind nurse led me down a hallway out a door to Grahams warmed car.
We held hands in the rain.

It rained for 7 straight days.

How could I not know that this was happening?

Little did I know I was joining this secret club full of women, I know.
Everyone's story is heartbreaking.

This happens all the time?

Why does nobody talk about it?

Losing a child is never bearable.

Losing a child before they are born is something many choose not to talk about.

I talked to my husband.

We are both hurting.

Knowledge about miscarriage statistics doesn't bring your baby back.

Blaming everything I had done in the last 16 weeks isn't logical, but I would say somewhat "normal".

Realizing that it isn't logical, has helped.

After talking to my family I found out I wasn't the only one who lost something.

Many people already loved this baby.

My husband, family and friends.

This made me feel less alone, dealing with this loss.

This was our second child.

It was a heartbreaking loss.
My heart hurts. But, I am healing.
We prayed, we are praying.
We grieved, we are grieving.

Our tiny baby without a voice.
This experience instills the fact that it really is a miracle to have a perfectly healthy baby.
We will try again.