Party planning while pregnant...

40 weeks pregnant today!
I'm trying not to focus on the fact that this baby is going to be stubborn just like her sister.
For those of you who don't know or remember Miss Elodie was born at 42 weeks.
Let's hope her sister doesn't need to be evicted as well.
So for now I am going to focus on the positive things during this pregnancy!

Considering I was sick for the first 22 weeks of this pregnancy I didn't get much done the first half.
The second half I hit it hard with activities.
I co-hosted a Valentine's Bubbly Brunch, planned a Derby party, and Elodie's 3rd birthday party.

The bubbly brunch is something I started doing as a Christmas gift for my girlfriends in Minneapolis instead of actual gifts.
I love bubbly!
I would host a brunch with champagne.
Everyone would bring a bottle of wine or bubbles to exchange.
I always make a bubbly brunch mix cd of my favorite songs from the year previous.
Last year I didn't have any girlfriends that I could host a brunch for.
This year I was excited to have a small group of girlfriends to attend.
It got pushed back to a February Valentine's brunch.
One of my dear friends hosted the brunch at her house.
My nausea has just started to subside.
It was fun to revive my Minneapolis tradition with my lovely Georgia friends.
If any of my Minneapolis friends want a bubbly brunch mix you will have to come and visit ;)
P.s it's good!

The Derby party was next on the list.
I have always wanted to take part in this fun Southern tradition.
I felt like Derby day always snuck up on us up North.

I planned a traditional Derby menu.
Found the perfect mint julep recipe.
I also whipped up a refreshing sangria.
Planned adult and kid activities for the day.
Printed betting cards for guests.
Found the perfect hat (I went with a fascinator).
I made a delicious bourbon pork and kentucky hot brown sliders (which were delicious).
It was fun to plan the decorations, menu, and activities for the day.
We spray painted horses from the dollar store gold.
Spray painted mason jars gold for vases.
We used fake red flowers from the dollar store, picked roses from our garden, and got all the plates, silverware, and napkins from the dollar store.
I bought three noodles from the dollar store and found felt horse hats for a $1 each at Michaels that I could attach to the top of the noodles for the human horse races.
Graham spray painted a horse track in the back yard and the human horse races were a huge hit.
We played a hilarious game with oranges in panty hose called "wrecking balls".
We also set up a corn hole competition.
I can't wait to keep this tradition going year after year.

Next I began planning Elodie's 3rd Fairy birthday party!
Last year we did just a family birthday party for her at the zoo.
This year she was so excited about her birthday, cupcakes, and her friends.
She was very excited about her fairy theme.
She ran around all day with her flower crown and fairy wings on.

I was super excited to get some crafting done for the big day.
I ordered her an adorable $15 dress on ebay.

I did a bunch of Pinterest ideas for the big day.
I made tissue paper flowers, DIY flower crowns, DIY peter pan hats, and bought wings and wands at the dollar store.
Graham and I made a kids table out of four pallets and place mats for seats on the ground from the dollar store.
I used table clothes that I already had for the table.
I used roses from our garden and bought some fake flowers on sale at Michaels (Now they are in Elodie's room and the nursery).
We ordered her an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen. (That was a pregnancy craving).
We set up two princess tents and a sun tent for the kids to play in.
We had a bubble blower going.
Graham and I made a photo booth with her chalk board, a chair, and some cardboard we still had from moving.
Graham cut out a fairy door that we hung on the tree for the kids to stick their heads through.

I kept things fairly simple with the food.
Cold turkey sandwiches (on hawaiian rolls) for the kids, crockpot buffalo chicken, crockpot bbq chicken, chips, pretzels, cheese and crackers, pickles and olives (Elodie's favorite), pixie sticks, cupcakes, and ice cream cake.
My friend Melissa also brought an asian salad.
I guess that sounds like a lot when you write it down. Haha!
It was almost all gone at the end of the two hour party.
We also served sangria, beer, and lemonade.

It was a hot day to have 40 guests hanging out in the back yard.
We had melting fairies but it was a perfect day for the ice cream cake.
Elodie had so much fun with her friends and was ecstatic to open all of her gifts.

We feel so grateful to have made such wonderful friends down here to be able to celebrate with.
After these events I finally had time to start planning the nursery.
That information will be next!

Elodie's first swim lessons

We decided to put Elodie in swim lessons this year.
We have a pool in our community so we spend a lot of time there.
With baby girl #2 on the way we wanted to feel safe with Elodie in the water.
We asked around on local mommy groups and decided to take lessons with Autumn Lynn.
Her classes are 45 minutes, three times a week for two weeks.
She said Elodie would be swimming by the end of two weeks.
She has a salt water pool and a no-nonsense reputation.
My friend Melissa and I decided to sign our kids up.

The first day Elodie was so excited to get in the water.
The kids can get in the water 15 minutes before class and play.
There were about 15 kids, 15 parents, Autumn Lynn, and a few of her helpers in the water.

We started off easy practicing paddling arms.
Then the craziness ensued.
We had to push their head under the water and push them toward the edge.
I gave lots of encouragement trying to get her to paddle her arms.
There were lots of tears and and pleas to get out of the pool.
We persevered!
Second they had us push them under the water to the edge and have them turn around.
The third thing we worked on was dunking them in the water facing away from us and have them turn around under water towards us.
Fourth thing we worked on was kicking their legs with their heads on our shoulder.
Fifth thing we worked on was arms again.
Sixth thing we worked on was pushing them under the water towards the edge and having them get out of the pool.
Lastly, they head to the diving board.
They jump (or get dropped off) the diving board, go under the water and swim to the instructor.

Elodie cried almost the entire first day.
She didn't resist or try to get out of the pool.
She had her eyes open wide and looked so scared but kept trying.
It was definitely a challenge to keep the praise and encouragement going.
It was definitely hard to keep "forcing" her under the water.
She did calm down and stop crying towards the end.
She liked the diving board.
It was complete crazy town with all of the crying children in the water.
I gave her lots of hugs, kisses, and praises.
She was very excited to get to her towel afterwards.

The calm before the storm

First day complete

The second day I debated even telling Elodie where we were headed for the day.

When I told her she didn't seem scared or uninterested in going.

When we got there she was super excited again. 

She headed to the pool and said "Come on mom let's go practice".

She put her head right under the water by herself and swam to the stairs.

Then she would go under and swim back to me.

I was shocked. 

She wasn't using her arms very much yet but kicking her legs like a fish.

There were no tears during this class. 

She was so proud of herself the whole class.

I wasn't expecting to see her swimming under the water like that on day two.

Excited for Day 2 of lessons

The third day of lessons went even better.
She was once again super excited to get in the pool and practice.
She did so well on the third day Autumn Lynn moved her into the older class for the next week.

Week one complete! 

Week two of swimming lessons and Elodie was in the pool without me.

They focused a lot more on using their arms.

She did great!

4th Swim lesson

Diving board time

Diving on the edge of the pool

The last two days of lessons she started to use her arms more and more. 

She remained comfortable in the pool. 

I was so proud of how quick she picked it up.

She was the youngest one in her class.

I definitely think the key is getting them comfortable with their heads under water.

They learn super fast how to hold their breath.

Day 5 

On the last day of class they all get a freeze pop.

Now when we go to the pool, Elodie just wants to swim from me to the edge and back. 

She swims in the bathtub. 

She asks to go to the pool everyday.

Best investment ever!

Last day of swim lessons

One week without the nuk!

After Elodie's first trip to the dentist we decided it was time to say goodbye to her beloved nuk!
Some people call them a pacifier.
Not sure why we went with nuk?
We have been planning on doing this for a while.

I feel like a toddler's sleep stages are the hardest struggles of parenthood so far.
Everyone warns you to get sleep before a newborn.
I felt like Elodie slept all the time as a newborn.
It was a piece of cake compared to the toddler bedtime/naptime struggle.
We have been struggling with bedtime for about a year now.
Ever since she flipped out out of her crib and we put her in the big girl bed.
Tough times, let me tell you.
Just when we think we have it figured out she wakes up a ton at night or doesn't want to go to to bed.
So we have put off taking away her beloved sleeping aid "the nuk".
She also was allowed to have it in the car.

Car naps! Not always a good thing!

We talked about it for a few days before we took it away.
We told her how the nuk fairy was going to come and take them away and give them to her baby sister.
We convinced her that the baby was going to need them and she was a big girl now.
We went to the store and picked out some gifts from the nuk fairy.
She chose a baby (with a nuk in her mouth), baby bottles, baby stroller, and baby chair.
The nuk fairy is verrrrrry generous.

The evening arrived for the exchange.
We put her nuky's in a box with a nice note for the fairy.
Then we went down for dinner.
I found some twinkling fairy music on youtube that played when the "fairy" arrived.

She was so excited.
She ran upstairs looking all over for the fairy.
She found that her box was gone and the fairy left her the baby and stroller.
She seemed very happy and we thought we were successful.
Bedtime came around and she got very upset before bed.
She didn't ask for her nuk but she was mad, sad, and crying.
She got up quite a bit but was finally sleeping by 11.
She slept through the night.
Success???
The next morning she found the fairy left her the baby bottles and baby chair outside her door for sleeping through the night.

Every night since then has turned into a more difficult bedtime routine.
We tiptoe around making her upset.
She fights every aspect of the bedtime routine.
She doesn't want to take a bath.
She doesn't want to brush her teeth.
She doesn't want to read books.
She doesn't want to put on her pajamas.
She does want you to sing Twinkle twinkle 10-15 times and then You are my sunshine.
She gets really mad, sad, and inconsolable.
Screaming, jumping up and down, lots of no's.
Is this just her getting close to the dreaded age three?
Or did we take away the one thing that was calming her down in the evening?
When she gets this upset it takes us an hour to calm her back down.

I have even considered giving her nuk back.
But I won't give in!
Graham usually puts her to bed.
If she gets up after he puts her down she only wants me.
Usually to go to the bathroom, sing her a song, or give me a "boog" (yes to hand me a booger).
When she wakes up in the middle of the night she screams if Graham goes in there.
"I want my momma".
I love rolling my pregnant self out of bed all hours of the night.

How do we stop the crazy anger tantrum before it spins out of control at bedtime?
How do I get my sweet baby back?
Sometimes she snaps out of it for a couple minutes and says "I'm so happy mama".
"Are you happy"?
I feel like I'm living in crazy town.
What do you mean you are happy?
You won't go to bed.
You don't want me to touch you.
There is no reasoning.
You do that crazy cry thing with your mouth closed like you are crying on the inside.
Sometimes you just growl.

Lots of deep breathing happening on my end.
My sweet girl that during the day proclaims me as her best friend.
You grab my cheeks and tell me "I'm so pretty".
You say I'm your favorite.
We sing songs.
You hold my hand.
You give kisses, big hugs, say sweet things to the baby.
You tell me "Happy Valentine's Day" when you think I'm mad at you.

Sweet baby girl! That nuk would put her right to sleep!

Just another parenting obstacle course.
Should we just let you play until you want to go to bed?
Do kids actually do this?
Give you the Ipad until you fall asleep?
I think she would stay up all night and watch cat videos.
Read you Peekaboo Fairy over and over and over and over and over?
We try so hard to not let her get to the "dark side".
I'm assuming this a preview of what "3" is going to be like.
I think mad Elodie needs an alter ego name.
Any suggestions?
Alter ego names always make situations more comical.

I wish every morning she would crawl into bed and fall back asleep like this.

20 Weeks Pregnant!

I'm officially 20 weeks pregnant with baby girl #2.
Now I only feel nauseous about two times a day.
Which is a huge improvement for me.
It's much better than being nauseous 24/7.
I'm a terrible pregnant person.
I literally feel like I have the flu all the time.
I couldn't even walk on the treadmill until recently without feeling like I was going to pass out.
I was in bed before miss Elodie every night up until a few weeks ago.
Thank goodness for my amazing husband.
He took care of Elodie as soon as he got home every night.
He made dinner.
I went to bed.
I was just miserable.
I tried to focus on the fact that this baby is a blessing and a miracle.

I was sick for 19 weeks with Elodie.
I could at least work out for an hour a day.
When I first got pregnant I thought about what she would look like?
What she would sound like?
How to decorate the nursery?
How to get her to sleep?
How to get her to eat?
How to be a good mom?

After having a late term miscarriage last year I definitely viewed this pregnancy differently.
It's hard to ignore that sinking feeling that something could be wrong.
If I started to feel better I thought something was wrong.
If I didn't hear back about a blood test I thought something was wrong.
The days slowly crept by.
I didn't want to think negatively or be too happy.
I was cautiously excited.
It's been so hard to be away from my family and closest friends.
This is a "high risk" pregnancy.
I went in every two weeks for the first 12 weeks.
Because of my age and previous miscarriage it is considered "high risk".
I had to do all of the testing and hold my breath for every ultrasound.

At 16 weeks they had a hard time hearing her heartbeat on the doppler.
They said my heartbeat was so loud they couldn't hear her heartbeat.
My heart sank.
This is what happened before.
They told me not to worry.
They took me in for an ultrasound.
There was a heartbeat.
She was fine.
I could breathe again.

Elodie was such a blessing during this time.
She would tell me how much she loved me and shower me with hugs and kisses.
No matter how sick I felt she always made me smile.
I didn't think about the nursery, what she would look like, or if she would sleep at night.
I only wanted a healthy baby growing inside of me.
I took this picture the day I found out I was pregnant and told Elodie.
She was soooooo happy!


I had a car accident a few weeks ago.
I was 17 weeks pregnant at the time with Elodie in the car with me.
I was rear ended.
At first I thought everything was completely fine.
Then I realized that my miscarriage occurred at 16 weeks last year.
Panic started to creep in.
What if something was wrong and I didn't even know it?
I had the fire department check me out.
They said everything seemed fine and I went to my OBGYN later for a follow up.

I think I've finally passed that phase of doubt and worry.
I understand that something could still happen.
I have decided to focus on the fact that she is healthy.
She is growing like crazy.
Seeing her today on the ultrasound finally felt "real".
We are having another baby girl.
Elodie kept squealing "that's my baby" at the ultrasound monitor.
Graham was amazed by how clear we could see her.
He is excited to have another girl.
Baby girls love their daddy's.
Her tiny hands were touching her face.
Her legs were kicking like crazy.
My belly is definitely getting bigger everyday.
This is happening.

We have decided to name her Iris Joyce McFall.

Iris is the name of a beautiful flower and the color of our eyes.
It symbolizes faith, hope, and wisdom.
In Greek mythology Iris was the personification of the rainbow.
Iris was a goddess that connected heaven and earth via the rainbow.


Her middle name Joyce comes from our dear Meemaw.
We tragically lost her right before Christmas this past year.
We shared our pregnancy news with her this past Thanksgiving.
She was overjoyed for us.
She was a woman of faith, a beautiful soul and shining light in our lives.
It feels like the perfect namesake.

I am half way through this pregnancy.
She will be here before we know it.
Elodie couldn't be more excited to be a big sister.
She kisses my belly.
She tickles my belly.
She talks to her sister.
Most of the time she thinks her baby sister is in her belly.
My baby girls!

Elodie + Iris

I. Can't. Wait.

This is 35....

Just celebrated my 35th birthday last week on the beach with my li'l family.
I also just celebrated my 3rd anniversary.
This is my first year as a full time stay at home mom.
We have lived in Georgia for almost exactly one year.
It's been an emotional year.
We moved from a home and city we loved.
We left behind family and friends we love and miss dearly.
Thank God for Facetime!

My 25 year old self definitely thought 35 was super old.
I definitely don't feel super old.
I work out almost everyday.
I feel healthy almost everyday.
I feel happy everyday.
Not all day everyday but, yes, everyday.
Still being an awesome mom.
Still rockin' the wife thing.
I would love to have another baby.

If I had one of those 1st birthday/1st day of school boards about me it would say......

Valerie's 35th birthday
My favorite food is cheese.
My favorite color is still green.
I love wine and bubbles.
When I grow up I wanna be a rockstar again. 
I currently sing to calm down a crazy two year old.
My Friday nights now involve watching youtube music videos, not live shows.
I always wonder if Beyonce is having a better birthday than me and I assume probably "not".
Trying to meet new friends at 35 is kind of like meeting friends the first day of school.

Things I would change.
When the dentist told me to floss more I should've listened.
I wish I would've embraced my 25 year old body more. 
Man, rockin' out during my shows definitely burned the calories.

McFall 3rd Anniversary
Still laughing 'til we cry.
My dancing partner for life.
Although Elodie is a close second.
He still gives me flowers.
He still won't admit I'm his best friend.
He still wants to hold my hand.
His love and ambition for life still excites me.
We are still figuring it out.
Can't wait to see what the future holds.

Being a stay at home definitely isn't for everyone.
I wasn't even sure if it was for me.
When Graham is traveling for work, it is a 24 hour job.
The hardest part for me is not being able to supply an income for our family.
Being Elodie's mom is the most rewarding and difficult job I've ever had.

Typical glamorous mom day, includes:
Teaching Elodie how to be an amazing human being.
Lots of hugs and kisses.
Brush my teeth, brush Elodie's teeth.
Get dressed, get Elodie dressed.
Do my hair, do Elodie's hair.
Potty train.
Wake up babies (Elodie's)
Grab a few purses and head downstairs.
Make breakfast. 
Includes some sort of ice cream if she slept through the night. 
That hasn't happened in a long time.
Feed the dog.
Watch Sesame Street.
Drink coffee.
Have the two year old tell you to kiss all her owies! "Kiss it, kiss it"!
Dishes. 
More coffee.
Potty train.
Try to get out the door without ten purses.
Gym=me time. 
Try to get my 10,000 steps before noon. 
Make lunch.
Dishes.
Clean. 
Nap. Today was 45 minutes. Ugh!
The 45 minute nap look!

Potty train.
Keep the two year old occupied with fun activities before dinner.
Fun time? Walk? Pool? Kick the ball? Music time? Dance party?
Potty train.
Make dinner.
Dishes.
Bathtime.
Crazy time with Daddy to get the energy out before bedtime.
Doesn't usually work.
Books.
Bedtime.
If we are lucky she will fall asleep before 9 so we can have some time to ourselves.
Not tonight. Got her to bed at 9:30. 
There are usually lots of tears, bumps, hugs, kisses, and laughs.

Todays success was when Elodie told me she had to poo-poo while I was mid shampoo in the shower. 
As I screamed "hold it" I assumed this would include an accident on the floor. 
I jumped out of the shower dripping wet and full of soap to find her in her bathroom sitting on the potty.
Today she pushed her stool up to the potty and got up on the potty all by herself. 
I threw my hands in the air and did my best version of the nae nae.
This is a small victory in my mommy-land.

We also usually run errands and have music class, storytime, playdates a few times a week also to mix it up.
Obviously lots of ABC's, learning about life, and love in between.
Pretty exciting huh?
Yup, it's pretty much the best.

It's so hard to be away from home. 
It's even harder to accept the place you've been living in for a year now is now your home.
This is definitely an adventure.
Welcome 35!

The toddler bedtime struggle is REAL!

It's been almost four months of us trying to figure out this "big girl bed" thing out, after Elodie (at 22 months) flung her body out of her crib like an acrobat.

We used to have a great bedtime routine.
Bath time at 6:30-7.
Read from 7-7:30ish.
Rock her for a bit and put her down in her crib.
She would sleep until 7:30-8.
Awwww the good old days.
Man I miss that crib.
Transitions are the worst.

It's been a power struggle since then.
It's really hard to figure out how to get them to sleep normal again if they don't want to stay in bed.
Everyone says to keep a routine.
But how can you keep a routine and try new ways to get them down?
How many nights are you supposed to give each way a shot?
Then on to the next "great" idea.
There is no guide book.
It slowly got better after a couple of weeks.
Then it progressively got worse.
She was waking up every couple of hours screaming like a newborn for a while.
Graham and I were spending most of our nights in her bed.
Letting them cry it out at this age is pretty much the worst.
Especially when they are screaming "Mommy pleeeeeeease" on the other side of the door.
That definitely didn't work for us after a weekend of trying and her waking up sounding like Lindsay Lohan from all of the crying.
We tried to just lay her down and walk out.
I counted 50 times one night and she was still super upset and not tired.
So here we are, still trying to figure it out.
Graham and I switch off nights putting her to bed to keep sane.

Naptime in our bed!

Thoughts while putting my two year old to bed in her "big girl bed'.

Tonight!
We read plenty of books.
She is getting so smart.
She knows so many colors, can count to ten, and name countless animals.
We watched the stars on the ceiling.
She told me all of the colors of the stars and tried to count them all.
Said our prayers.
Kissed goodnight.
Talked about how she needs to sleep through the night like a big girl.
Routine!

This is a reward for sleeping through the night! Yup ice cream for breakfast!

I rub her back.
Then she rolls over and I rub her tummy.
She wants to lay on my chest.
She wants to lay on my tummy.
"Water, water".
Ok, here is some water.
How do you stop them from wanting water once they are fully potty trained?
Ugh must focus on potty training tomorrow.
"Tummy, tummy".
Ok, I will rub your tummy again.
I will slow down the rubbing and she will fall asleep.
Oops I almost fell asleep.
I wish someone would rub my tummy.

It's still light out so I'm gonna pretend to be sleeping.
I shouldn't completely lie down or I will fall asleep.
Ugh so uncomfortable so I lie down.

The flailing of the legs commences.
She is dancing and kicking me.
Patience.
She is only two and has a lot of energy.
She is learning so much so she has a lot on her mind.
Everyone says to cherish this time.
That it goes by so fast.
But if she doesn't sleep does that make me a good mom?
Sleep is good for growing toddlers right?
Ugh, "Elodie stop kicking mommy".
"Close your eyes".
She rolls over.

I think she is finally sleeping.
As I try to sneak out she quickly rolls over and looks at me "Mommy".
I hop back in bed.
Just kidding I wasn't going anywhere.
"Close your eyes Elodie".
"Mommy is going to go in her room if you don't go to sleep".
She rolls over again.
I know I shouldn't threaten that since it's true.

Ok listen to her breathing.
The kicking starts again.
Why is it still sunny out?
Maybe we should just stay up and party all night.
Should I cuddle her?
Should I hold her close?
I try.
She pinches me.
She plays with my hands.
She thinks it's funny.
Ugh, it's like she is wide awake again.
We should've just stayed up and played in her room for the last hour instead of this game.
Maybe I should let her play in her room until she falls asleep?
Do kids actually do that?
She has never fallen asleep anywhere except her bed, car seat, stroller, or an airplane.

Now it's getting darker I can't see if her eyes are open.
Must focus.
Ugh, she is still staring at me.
Waiting on my next move.
She knows.
That sweet face.
At least she is sleeping through the night most nights lately.
Stay calm, lots of parents go through this, right?
Must. Stay. Awake.

Next thing I know it's 10pm and I definitely fell asleep.
She is asleep as I sneak out on my tiptoes trying not to make a sound.
Ugh, I love that child. ️

How can I get frustrated with this face?

Parents who have a tough time, you are not alone.

Joining a secret club.....

Loss

Last week we would've found out if our baby was a boy or a girl.
When I went in for my routine 16-week prenatal appointment with my daughter Elodie, I was so excited to tell them I finally didn't feel nauseous anymore.
When the nurse practitioner told me she couldn't find the heartbeat I didn't panic.
When I laid down for an ultrasound I honestly didn't think there was anything wrong.
When she told me that she didn't have good news and that there was no heartbeat I lost my breath.
Time, completely stopped.

We had four days before they could get me in for surgery.

Graham's mom, Jan flew down from Minnesota.
We wanted to plant flowers.
We needed to bring life from loss.
It felt good to give back to the earth.
We planted a beautiful hibiscus tree in memory of our baby.
We had to keep busy.
After Jan left, my mom came. After my mom left, my best friend Brandis came.
So many hugs.
So much love.

The night we found out we lost the baby, I couldn't sleep.  I looked at the weather app on my phone, and there was a shooting star.
I told Graham I wanted to go outside and look at the stars and he urged me to try and sleep.
I didn't resist.
The next day I found out that Aster means "a star".
It felt like a sign.
We decided to name the baby Aster Spring McFall.
When my mom came to visit, she pointed out that there were Aster flowers in the bouquet that she had sent, and also in the bouquet sent from our friend Erin.  I didn't even realize what they looked like.
Another sign.
The next day my mother in-law Jan told me that Aster is the birth flower for September.
Our baby was due September 21st.
Another sign.

On Monday April 13th we said goodbye to our angel Aster Spring McFall.
The doctor was very kindhearted.
He told us he is a "good old catholic" boy, and that he believed our baby was in heaven.
This not only reinforced what we already believed, but also reminded us that one day, we'll be re-united.
I squeezed Graham's hand, and tried to fight back tears.
We said goodbye.
I laid down on the operating table and couldn't hold my breath anymore.
The tears came.
This was it.
I felt the nurses and doctors' hands resting on me and brushing the tears away as I drifted off into a deep sleep.
When I woke up I could still feel the dried tears.
A kind nurse led me down a hallway out a door to Grahams warmed car.
We held hands in the rain.

It rained for 7 straight days.

How could I not know that this was happening?

Little did I know I was joining this secret club full of women, I know.
Everyone's story is heartbreaking.

This happens all the time?

Why does nobody talk about it?

Losing a child is never bearable.

Losing a child before they are born is something many choose not to talk about.

I talked to my husband.

We are both hurting.

Knowledge about miscarriage statistics doesn't bring your baby back.

Blaming everything I had done in the last 16 weeks isn't logical, but I would say somewhat "normal".

Realizing that it isn't logical, has helped.

After talking to my family I found out I wasn't the only one who lost something.

Many people already loved this baby.

My husband, family and friends.

This made me feel less alone, dealing with this loss.

This was our second child.

It was a heartbreaking loss.
My heart hurts. But, I am healing.
We prayed, we are praying.
We grieved, we are grieving.

Our tiny baby without a voice.
This experience instills the fact that it really is a miracle to have a perfectly healthy baby.
We will try again.